Unsollicited lifestyle advice is harmful

By Tatjana van der Krabben

Unsollicited lifestyle advice – When you completely miss the fact that we were not sitting here idle, waiting for you to step forward with your insights.

Many not only miss this point, they hop straight to the guilt trip. We are supposed to feel bad, dislike ourselves and be more than ready to try the latest fad in diet or exercise. We are expected to jump to the opportunity no matter what the suggestion. As if it were a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory presented by Mr. Wonka himself.

Chocolate… Where was I again?

Exactly. This is what too many people actually think. That I have (junk)food on my mind 24/7. That I haven’t seen the inside of a gym since the previous century. Neither is true. It’s unpleasant, to say the least, to watch a conversation skid and to find myself defending lifestyle choices and explaining again and again why I look the way I do. I shouldn’t have to. Not only that, it’s as pointless as explaining why my eyes are green and my feet are small. I simply have lipedema. It’s part of me – like it or not.

The truth is that we are the new smokers. Society thinks it’s okay to lecture us out of the blue. We not only deal with lipedema, but also with the ruling false assumption that body weight is all about calories in and calories out. It makes us automatically to blame for excess body fat, hence the mandatory guilt trip. It’s an unfair assessment which is unhelpful at best for those who are struggling to accept the way they look. By projecting their own (temporary?) excitement over a particular work out regime or diet they are much like a bull in a china shop, doing more damage than good. Maybe they mean well, but I will never be the one to drop 2-3 pounds a weeks, let alone several weeks in a row. Insisting they know a way around that is insulting. It implies I haven’t tried hard enough. And the saddest part? In their efforts to impose certain lifestyle choices I mostly recognize their own obsessions and frustrations regarding their body image being projected on me. Or a chance to shine with assumed moral superiority, which frankly is despicable.

It’s not only annoying. Much of the advice I get is plain wrong for me and anything but medically sound. It’s unbelievable that people are able to think they’re qualified to give lifestyle advice to a chronic patient, regardless the condition, based on something they read in a glossy magazine or seen on a sponsored TV show. If our doctors did that, there would be consequences for sure!

The insensitivity when it comes to the fat is mind blowing. So many people with lipedema (or obesity) suffer from depression, low self-esteem, a negative self-image and/or eating disorders. Yet, we are confirmed in our feelings: they’re labelled ‘appropriate’ for our current state and are meant to encourage us into a healthier lifestyle. By sending the message the plus-sized are not worthy is plain cruel. Change is not always on the table. Sometimes because of an underlying medical condition, sometimes because someone simply isn’t ready to take on the challenge and sometimes – tada – because they’re happy just the way they are.

Size is such a limited perspective. It doesn’t even define healthy living. Just look at Witney Way Thore from My Big Fat Fabulous Life: definitely plus-sized due to chronic illness, but also super fit and living a healthy lifestyle. I know some of us desperately try to prove we didn’t bring lipedema onto ourselves and claim we only eat very little, if not starve ourselves. I feel we shouldn’t have to defend ourselves. The fact that some of us are essentially starving themselves is horrible! Is that what it takes to ‘prove’ we give it our all?! That’s crazy! We should drop the apologetic attitude. We don’t need to accommodate their ignorance and justify fact. I’m done with that. This is how I feel these days:

Unless you’re a doctor with knowledge of lipedema, walk a mile in my shoes first, or zip it.