Finding My Identity

by Christina Routon

Two years ago this month, my husband and I divorced.

Yes, you read that right. At the end of February 2011 I sat in a lawyer's office and signed divorce papers. It was one of the hardest and most painful things I'd ever done in my life. It was also a wake up call from God, and through this day He's led me on a journey of discovering my identity.

Ending up at the attorney's office wasn't an overnight decision, of course. And God had been working in me for some time, nudging me, inspiring me, to do certain things, to change certain things. And I ignored the nudges. I turned away, I disobeyed, I flat out said, no, why should I change? HE should change. Other people need to change, not me.

And the result was a broken marriage and a broken woman, crying on the floor of my bedroom, feeling more alone than I'd felt in a long time. And it was there that I submitted to God, that I begged for forgiveness from a God I truly believed was fed up with me and who hated me. And I asked for healing, for myself and my marriage, even though in my heart I felt it was too late.

Instead, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. There was no hate, there was no anger, there was no bitterness. There may have been some frustration, but He never pushed me away. Instead, He said to me, "Finally! Now, we can start over." And little by little, he began to rebuild me.

This started with my self-esteem. As my husband shared in his post, my self-esteem had been shot for a long time, mostly over my appearance. I hated my body. I hated how I looked and how I felt. Now I was in a position where I hated my character. God began telling me and showing me how much I was loved, how nothing I could ever do, say or feel could separate us. He had to start with my character because I felt unwanted and unloved at that moment. I didn't feel worthy of love. He led me to music, He led me to books, He led me to movies, and spoke through them each time.

I began to write affirmations on index cards. I put them on a bulletin board and read them every day.

I am an honored child of God.
I am a beautiful, sexy woman.
I am living a wonderful, beautiful, abundant and creative life.

He sent me the song "Beautiful", by Mercy Me, and I still play that song and listen to it almost daily.

So what does this have to do with lipedema? All of this happened before I discovered lipedema. But I was on a quest for answers. It started with Who am I? God answered this, and continued to tell me and show me how important I was to Him over time. Then it changed to What am I called to do? And he answered that as well, and I finally submitted to the call to be a writer. It's strange when life throws you a curve ball and you end up where you never expected. You no longer have any fear. I stopped being afraid to go after a dream, and I just did it. I was inspired to write a short story, so I did, and sold it within a month. I was inspired to start a website about running a transcription business, so I did, and after a year and a half it's started to gain a following and make money. I finished a book I'd been working on since 2003 and self-published, then I started writing another book.

God began working on my ex-husband as well, and our son, and issues we had as a family. Six months later, in October, 2011, we remarried, and we're more in love now than we were at 18.

Then it was time to get back to work on my health. I'd been working out and dieting already for two years and hadn't seen any real results. My legs were still large and I'd only lost thirty pounds. Since the divorce, I'd been working two jobs - a full-time job during the day and in the evening I'd come home, eat a bowl of cereal, then work transcription jobs until 10:30 or 11:00. I wasn't taking care of myself anymore and after a couple of months it was time to start again. So I made my doctor's appointments and started using my insurance benefits. I continued to ask questions, I continued to search for answers, until last June I got my answer. I had a condition, with a name, but no cure and no treatment. And it broke me.

Once again God had to rebuild me and remind me of my identity. As I left the pharmacy after picking up the medication the endocrinologist had prescribed, I was almost in tears. I clutched my husband's hand as we left the grocery store and the song on the PA system changed - Lionel Richie's "You Are So Beautiful."

I stood in the parking lot of the grocery store with my husband and cried. I cried for the lost hope, the lost dreams, the possibilities of a future filled with pain and loss of mobility. Never wearing dresses or skirts again, never wearing a pair of boots. A lot of that seemed silly, but these were things I really wanted and hoped for. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be on the outside the person I was on the inside. It's taken some time, but I am finally learning - and believing - the truth, and not the lie.

Our identities are NOT this disorder or any other medical condition we may have in addition to lipedema. Our identities aren't our large legs or arms or butts. Our identities are not our jobs or our families or our social status. Our identity is this, and this alone:

You are an honored child of God.
You are here for a purpose.
You are loved.
You are beautiful.